Always better to have spoken

All melodrama aside.

When you say something out loud, it is an act of transmutation - thought into speech, feeling into communication. Sometimes the change is greater - sometimes when you say a thing, it makes it small and unfearful. It becomes something completely different than what you thought it was.

The act of will to speak - to just say it - that's the most important thing. You can be free, if you want to be.

Let it go.

The relief when you finally say the things that have been weighing on you is enormous. Once you actually get the words out of your mouth, hard as it is, you wonder why you waited so long. All that effort and time and suffering, when the solution was right there.

Of course, sometimes its only through effort, time, and suffering that we realize what it is that we need. Seems like a raw deal.

My silence will not save me

So it's time that I started talking. I'm going to be finding someone who's profession is listening. I can't deal with my family crap anymore. I need some new strategies.

It feels so weird saying that. I've always taken the stance that my family is fucked up, but not in any really fundamental ways. No alcoholism, no beatings, my parents love me and my sister, and I've never ever doubted that they did their best for us. But they don't do their best for one another.

I can't pretend that is okay anymore.