Fertility

I sort of hate that word. Fertility. Probably because my dad was a cattle farmer and it makes me think of cows and calving and sterilizing the bull calves. Once you've seen a man stick his entire arm up inside a cow's vagina you have a hard time seeing the whole process of childbearing in quite the same way again.

In any case, today we're going in for our first appointment at a fertility clinic, because I am 32 and we've been trying for about 3 years (fairly seriously for the last year) to get pregnant without luck. I feel very ambivalent about the whole thing. I'm currently in the process of examining why it's so important to me to have a baby, and thinking about whether I'm happy and the reasons why I'm not satisfied with my life and the whole thing is just really messy. But I've had this appointment for three months and there's a long waiting period to get in to see a fertility expert and sometimes life is messy. You go on with it anyway.

So I've revived this blog, as I do periodically, to make this post. I don't know where we'll go in this journey. I don't know what we'll learn or what choices we will make. Maybe this will be the last post here for months and months again. But if this does turn out to be the beginning of something lifechanging and profound then I wanted to have a record of where it started.

I'm scared. I'm pretty sure I won't make it through without crying and I hate to cry.

It's almost time to go.